I’m uncertain about the changing landscape at my beloved job: we are nearing the end of school year now, and this is my first transition of this kind in this setting. I need stability like a crazy person (SWIDT?) and change makes me flinch like from a fist. There’s so little feedback and communication happening right now that every scrap of plan feels like a demotion. Which makes me feel paranoid and crazy. Did I mention feeling crazy. Also hormones.
Next week I’m going home for that overdue christmas visit and I’m almost sick with anxiety. I will attempt to supplant the negativity there with every pleasant sensation I can access but it’ll still feel like getting turned inside out, like being demoted back to the worst part of my life. There aren’t many parts of life I’m afraid of doing alone but I have absolutely zero skills or strategies for what I know I’m walking into. I am terrified. I flinch like from a fist.
I feel like I need advisors, but looking around at the people proximal to my situations it seems there’s no one, or at least no one I can trust, because honestly what model do I even have for that? It seems like I should have done a better job of seeking out or creating proximal advisors, but I never realize how true this is until the moment I’m caught in the need, like how I forget I need to buy shampoo until my hair is already wet, or toilet paper until I’m on the toilet scanning the room for tissue or any approximation thereof.
How does anybody ever get anything done.